Happy Halloween!

So I realized it had been over a month since I had posted on here and wondered where on earth that time went. Then I realized...online classes can be time hog! It is nuts how much time I spend in class now compared to on ground classes. I wonder why everyone thinks online is not as good as on ground, then I realize it....They have NEVER TAKEN ONE!

Anyway today is Halloween, without a doubt one of my favorite times of the year. I love all things creepy and spooky, well except spiders, they suck. They kids are quite excited about it all and looking forward to their immense sugar rush. I plan on spending the weekend in my room away from the MADNESS AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

So I realized part of my problem isn't that the depression is getting worse or that my medication needs to be adjusted. It is that I am sick again, and some part of me realized it before my conscious mind did. This time it is not my eye or my heart or my brain, but my GI track. I have to have an upper GI in December to make sure it isn't my stomach, then they are planning on removing my gallbladder. Doesn't that sound like fun? Not. I will post a health catch up in a little bit, right now I am off to do homework...yeah me!

Concerns

I'm starting to wonder if the medication I am taking for depression needs to be adjusted. I was under a great deal of stress in my last week of classes and after that it seems to be one thing after another and I have lost my sense of serenity. I am starting to get bitchy again and short tempered. The slighest things seem to be pissing me off lately and I am once again prone to panic and anxiety. I see my psychiatrist again on the 30th so I plan on bringing this up to her. I feel like I am on the edge of bad things again and have to keep reminding myself that there I am happy. Happy people do not tend to have to tells themselves they are happy. Good thing I see my lifeline on Tuesday. That is how I have come to think of my therapist, I can only hope she knows how much she has helped me. Do not get me wrong, there are times when her being logical and totally unemotional pisses me off and I hate her for some of her insights, mainly because she is right, but if I did not have those feelings then she would not be doing her job right.

I just think that with the kids going back to school and the stress of the end of last session in school, then my eye deciding it needed a vacation. Oh and my Gramps is not doing so well and my husband might has skin cancer, and have you seen the price of groceries???? It is all getting to be a little more than I can bear anymore.

I think I need to increase my Paxil....and I can't wait to talk to Dr. C and Maggie.

*** Disclaimer....

While the above present true facts and feelings, names have been changed to protect the innocent and sane ****

Clearly I am neither of the latter two adjectives :)

Coffee anyone?

I am sick to death of the price of everything. Remember when you could buy 1 dozen eggs for 69 cents? A thing of the past! I just paid 1.99 for 1 dozen large eggs. I know we are all looking for ways to save money, right? Well for those who love and cannot live without your morning (afternoon, evening, after dinner /before bed) cup of gourmet coffee but HATE the expense of paying $10 a pound for it I have some advice:

Brew your own dark roast at home and add one of the following combos:

Add the water to the holding tank as usual and the coffee grounds to the filter.

Then add 2 TBSPS Vanilla to the empty carafe

Then Add one of the following to the top of the grounds

1 tsp NUTMEG
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
1 teaspoon - 1 tablespoon instant hot cocoa mix ( depending on taste)
1 teaspoon cocoa ( not hot cocoa mix)

Also try combos for example:

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon & 1 teaspoon cocoa powder ( not hot cocoa mix)
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg and 1 teaspoon hot cocoa mix

After brewing sweeten and / or lighten as you normally would or to taste.

Enjoy!!

Experiment with other spices and or flavorings and let me know how it works out!

Tanya~

Have you ever had one of those days....

where you just knew you shouldn't get out of bed? You just know something is going to make the day go badly, it is a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. It starts out as butterflys and moves to something more, you are on edge and getting bitchy and don't really know why. Then BAM! You can't breathe your heart is racing and pounding in your chest, you are sweating and shaking, the world is spinning.

Congratulations and welcome to your first panic attack.

The good news is once you know what it is and what you felt like before it happend, you can recognize the symptoms before they get too far and control it, with practice that is.

I have not told my extended family about the panic disorder, so if they read this they are in for a surprise. It will explain a lot of my seemingly rude behavior at family gatherings though. When I just up and left the room to go outside before anyone noticed that I was starting to hyperventilate, wasnt anyone's fault but my own as I tried to hide the disorder. No more living in secret, the brilliant psychology honors student, and self proclaimed perfectionist (actually it had more to do with being an obsessive - compulsive personality, but the meds are helping with that too) is half nuts herself. What else do you think has led to my insights and seemingly random tying together of OCD and Autism.

It is very easy to help the mentally ill, when you yourself fit the bill.

I get how someone could feel the need to take their own life, or cut themselves to release the pain. I understand the emotionally side of it all. What I don't understand is why the brain tells them that this is a good thing...therefore I think I have finally chosen a major for grad school: Neuro-biological Psychology. The perfect blend of the sciences I love.

Of course this is today and I have a year to change my mind again.

I wonder if that is the depression?

More to ponder for me, but that is for another post.

Till We Meet Again!
T~

Heart Disease sucks!

Okay so being 34 and having had a heart attack is bad enough right? Apparently not, because out of no where I get these horrific chest pains. It has been 7 months since the day that changed my life, and for the most part I feel good. I still have my days, especially when it is humid (Thank God for FALL!!) but now it's better. Don't get me wrong last spring I thought I was in Hell. I couldn't do anything without it making me feel bad. I popped Nitro like they were candy in the beginning. Then slowly things began to settle down and I could feel that I was healing. Now I can go weeks or even months without needing a nitro, however, when I do need them it is BAD.

Last night is the perfect example. I felt like shit, I had the aching pain under my left boob. You know the one that makes it feel like your breast is made of lead and has been put on your chest for the amusement of someone other than you? I had a head ache, and was getting pretty freaking cranky. So I take a nitro and it gets better but doesn't go away, so I take another one. Guess what that does? Drops my Blood pressure to 95/54. No freaking wonder I felt like crap. So I eat to bring it up and take some tylenol for the headache then procede to distract myself by playing with the kids.
Is it ok to call it playing? I don't think so since they are older. I don't think I've said much about them..Nick is 14 and has his first girlfriend whooohooo!!! Natasha will be 12 in 3 weeks and Mikayla is 8 and tries her best to keep the older two in line LOL.....she thinks she is the mommy most days :P

So what I mean by playing is that we sat on the living room floor and talked then I tickled kayla and she accidentally kicked nick in the chin and he split his lip and tasha laughed at both of them. Meanwhile I have a mom 911 in the bathroom with Nick. guess I don't have to worry about him kissing anyone today LOL!!!!

Where was I? Oh right distracting myself...see I'm getting very good at that :)

So after about 3 hours I start to feel better, just tired. I just can't believe how a little angina can ruin your whole freaking evening.

I slept like shit last night and then wake up this morning, and my eye is worse. Probably from the drop in my BP yesterday. Guess my date with Dean Koontz and Odd Thomas will have to wait until I can see well enough to read again.

Anyone else have angina that just kicks their ass?

Baking can make you happy?

I had forgotten how soothing baking can be for me. Today even though I did not want to make homemade bread, I did because I promised my husband I would for him. I was pretty complacent before I started, then halfway through the mixing process I found myself actually humming! I was amazed to remember I much I enjoyed baking. I also did not realize how depression can zap all of the love for life right out of you. I also forgot how amazing bread smells when it is baking and how much I love it. So as an experiment, the next time I find myself feeling particular down, I am going to bake something and see if it helps me again. That is, if I can muster the motivation to get off the couch...

Background info

Ok so there are some things you are going to need to know if any of this is going to make sense.

First of all, I am a psychology major and while I have some pretty good instincts and insights about other people, I am sometimes pretty dense when it comes to myself. I have learned there is great truth to the view that you can be too close to someone to properly assess the situation. Apparently I am too close to myself because not only do I have my therapist, I have a psychiatrist too.

I was first diagnosed with Panic Disorder when I was 22, followed 4 years later with my first bout of major depression. I am an odd case for this because depression normally comes first, followed by anxiety. Oh well if I have learned anything about myself, it is that I am smart, quirky, sometimes morbid and a whole lot Odd.

I have a degree in Medical Assisting, and sometime speak in medspeak forgetting that not everyone can understand me. If you don't get it, say so. I'm used to it

I am currently working through my 4th bout of major depression in 8 years, this time the right way, medication and therapy.

On Febuary 20, 2008, 2 months before my 34th birthday, I had a heart attack. I hate taking medications and now I take so many dang pills I have a hard time remembering them all when I need to write them down.

I try to be light and humorous, although normally a satritical, dark, witty kind of humor (most ppl don't get it, I know...I'm Odd though remember?) I am not making fun of my illnesses when I do this though. It is my way of helping myself cope.

My hope is that I am not alone in this and that through my words, pain, insight and experiences someone else will be able to identify and maybe get a few smiles if not full belly laughs from it.

Oh I almost forgot, 2 weeks ago I had a stroke of my optic nerve in my right eye, it's called Anterior Ischemic Optic neuropathy. Basically I can't see for crap out of my right eye but it is healing, so please forgive any typos and blantant errors...spell check can only get so much LOL!!

Till We Meet Again!